Bootsie

My dearest Bootsie,
Since you have left me I have really gone downhill. I miss you with all of my heart and soul. I cry for you every day and night. I hate driving my car anymore because I can remember how much you use to love to get in the car and go with me. I had you cremated so that you would be with me forever. When I went to pick your ashes up at the vets, instead of you standing in my lap with your little face out the window- eyes squinting into the wind, then bopping back into the car and doing a little dance in the passenger seat, you lay still and silent in a pine box. The weight of the box that contained you was so small in comparison to your 14.5 pound body, and the realization of all of this was more than I could bare. I clutched the box and held it closely the whole way home.

Every night, I've cried.

I've blamed God, I've blamed myself, and I’ve blamed others. I've felt stinging regrets for times I should've paid more attention and didn't, should've read more about your illnesses but hadn't, etc. I have since come to see that of all the blame I tossed around, God didn't deserve any at all. (I've since apologized to Him)! If anything, God was VERY busy helping us and working behind the scenes in ways I could not imagine.

For example, we scheduled you for exploratory surgery to make sure that you did not have a liver tumor, and then to remove her gallbladder, which we knew was not functioning. When Dr. Woods (our internal med. vet) looked inside you, he saw that your gallbladder, although in bad shape, was nothing compared to the condition of your liver. My poor Boots – you were in end-stage cirrhosis.

I was dumbfounded. How could this be???? I thought we were on TOP of this! I thought you were doing so well! I believed that we were on top of this, and that we were monitoring the extent of your liver disease very well, and had it under control. I trusted that our vet, would implement liver-specific meds when and if the need should arise. You were never given any special drugs for your liver, only Milk Thistle, Vitamin E, S.O.D. supplement, and Life Extension supplements, plus a prescription diet for liver compromised dogs: Science Diet L/D.

I just needed to know that you were ok and I prayed that I would dream of you.

One morning I dreamed that I had not fallen back asleep, but got up like I normally would have. I went into the kitchen to get a frappucino mocha from the fridge, like I've done every morning for the last 3 years. Halfway in, I stopped dead in my tracks. There, sniffing at your food and water bowl, was YOU. You turned around and looked up at me as if you had never been gone. I gasped and whispered incredulously, "OmG, Bootsie it's YOU!" I picked you up, hugged you, and held you away a few inches so I could look at you.

It was the best dream. Bootsie, you were so white and so fluffy and you looked just like she did when you were a puppy. It was unbelievable. I was so happy, I can't even tell you. I NEEDED that dream. Every night since that dream, I prayed for another. Nothing came though.

Then I began to fret about other things:

* a leash that I had looked for since before you were even sick, but never could find....
* Even though I have lots of your pictures, I soon discovered that a lot was not enough, and that I was stupid for not taking many, many more.....
* People who call our house phone still hear you giving the outgoing greeting. I used a small handheld digital recorder to tape you "talking". What can be heard on my voicemail is only a small portion of your conversation that I recorded. But what did I do with that recording?? I couldn't find it, and that upset me. I made the recording about 2 years ago.

Two weeks ago, I had to go out and run some errands. I stopped midway to the door that lead to the kitchen. There, right in the middle of my way, on the ground, laid that leash. I was so shocked at this, I bent down and picked it up, turning it over in my hands to make sure it was THE leash I had looked high and low for. It was. And how it came to be right in the center of where I was walking like this was beyond me. I feel it could only be from you, my precious li'l girl, something to help me feel better.

Just then, a friend brought a pizza over for me and my mom. I took the pizza and again made my way back inside the garage. I stopped because there, in the same place the leash had been, was a dark blue, vinyl pencil case: cylinder shaped, with a zippered top. It laid smack dab in the middle of the path to the kitchen door, right where I would trip over it. I set the pizza down and picked up the pencil case. There was a lot of stuff in it, and I had no clue what. When I pulled the zipper open, the first thing my eyes saw was a handheld Olympus digital voice recorder. THIS was what I used to RECORD YOU that day 2 years back. I pressed the play button and there you were. my sweet little Bootsie's voice came singing out at me for a full 5 minutes. I sat here and cried as I listened to you.

There was also a "bonus track" on the recorder......something I'd long since forgotten even existed. One night a long time ago, you were laying beside me on the sofa, sleeping. Every once in a while, you would snore while you slept, and that night was one of those nights. Trying to keep my laughter down, I held the recorder close as I dared to your mouth/nose and recorded you snoring until you woke up and gave me a dirty look, lol.

How was it that I should have had those 2 things in my mind at that time, feeling upset about them, and then suddenly they both show up in the way that they did. It could only have been you, Bootsie....... possibly with the help of dad. There's no other explanation. It didn't stop there though. There was one more surprise awaiting me.

Later that night I spied something else on the top shelf of a closet that caught my interest: A stack of about a dozen or so photographs. I carried them to the sofa and was overjoyed to see that they were all pics of my Bootsie! These were photos taken when you were a baby, only 6 months to a year or 2 old. I knew of them, but had entirely forgotten about them. In a way, they were like newly discovered treasures, since I hadn't seen them in years.

I went through each one photo until I was down to the last photo in the stack - it literally took my breath away. It was a photo of you, in the kitchen, looking up at me. And it was the exact image of you that I had in my dream. EXACT. It was as if someone had taken that part of my dream and caused it to freeze on Kodak paper. When I caught my breath I think I cried another two hours.

Bootsie, I miss you so very much and there will never be another like you. You were my life, my friend, my companion. My love for you was genuine and honest. I am sorry that I had to let you go, but you are still with me, in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers and dreams. Thank you for being my best friend and companion.

Love,

Your mom, Paula

Paula Owens